Ten Truths

 

Ten Truths about Me

1. I have this belief  that everything evens out . . . it is something like Karma, but not quite. I believe if things are easy now, they will be hard later and if things are hard now, they will be easy later. I believe there is always pay back. I don't know why I believe this because all observed evidence should make me feel otherwise.  It seems to me that people are dealt uneven hands from the beginning and, in truth, those hands never even out. I suppose my belief stems from my desire to see in the world what should be only fair.
2. People, who meet me and get to know me a little bit, often think that I am laid back, easy going and as fluid as running water, but the truth is I am wound as tight as they come. Relaxation is nearly impossible for me. I don't know why people don't see that in me. I suppose it is because I am quiet.
3. I am a love child--of two of the most unlikely people to make that type of mistake--a quiet, nerdy salutatorian of her high school class, and then college English major attending an elite private school in Vermont and the conservative, but fun loving, working-class college boy heading to Vietnam as an Army soldier after being in ROTC. I was probably nine or ten when I figured out this fact. We were all eating dinner, on a Saturday night. My parents wedding date (December 20, 1969) came up. I'm not sure why. My birth date (May 5, 1970) came up.  I'm not sure why. I realized what that meant and I got a sinking feeling. I tried to change the subject just as I could see that my brother (five years my junior, but always a math whiz) was putting two and two together. I was upset about this for a long while, but now, of course, it does not matter.  Perhaps my parents 'had' to get married, but they have stayed together through thick and thin. They are still together. They have been married over 40 years and that is more than I can say for many couples.
4. I have an irrational fear of flying. I know it is irrational, so my fear does not keep me from doing it. I know the statistics. I know it is more dangerous to drive to the airport than to fly across the country. I know. I know. This is what I do: when I get on the plane, I must peer into the cockpit and see the pilots; 'business as usual; they look competent and confident. Good.' I take my seat, buckle in, buckle my daughter in; 'no really, Margot, that is not too tight; it is just right.' I count the seat rows to the nearest exit to the back of me and to the front of me. I count again. I read the safety information card. I study how to open the window exits; then the door exits. When the flight attendants start the safety demonstration, I give my undivided attention. Yes, I know I've seen the same demonstration again and again, but I think,  if I do not watch, I am being much too casual about the whole thing. Okay, take off, white knuckles, eyes closed. Breathe, breathe. 'Please be quiet until we are leveling off.' Those are my thoughts.  I wait, wait for the two beeps indicating that we've reached 10,000 feet. 'At this time, portable electronic devices are allowed to be used.' Okay. Okay . . .
5. I do not like surprises of any kind; not even happy surprises. I always like to know what to expect. I don't behave well at all when the unexpected happens. 
6. I often feel that I am on the edge of things; the edge of something. I feel ambivalent, though. If I take the plunge, the outcome could be good; it could be great; it could be profound. But, also, it could be really, really bad. It could be worse than bad. I never take the plunge. I have lived my life very safely, and I don't know if that is good or bad.
7. I have gotten less competitive as I have grown up. I think of this as a good thing. As a younger person, I was highly competitive. I always wanted to win . . . at everything. I did not always win. of course, but, though I did not show it much outright, I was somewhat of a sore loser. My extended family still makes fun of one of my most infamous quotes that I said while playing (and winning) a board game with them : "it's always more fun when you win."
8. I do not believe in ghosts; no-one can ever convince me that ghosts exist. 'Wait? What was that sound?' But there is a rational explanation, always. I know this to be true. I do not believe in ghosts.
9. I do believe that there is extraterrestrial life somewhere in the universe. There has to be. How could there not? I doubt, though, that the creatures of Earth will encounter this extraterrestrial life for many generations to come, if ever. And I don't believe that anyone on Earth has ever encountered or observed any type of extraterrestrial life in the past.
10. My favorite TV show is Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I am nearly 42 years old, but, still, I sometimes daydream of being Buffy. I would love to have her wit, her poise, her strength, her abilities, her mission. And I would love to kick some vampire ass.